Unlike some once-respectable designers, carting out last year's ho-hum as this year's humdinger, you can trust us. We will not test your allegiance with lies, disrespect you—and your faith in us—by not delivering what we promise. We cherish Our Readers. So, as you were warned below, after the jump The Gutter presents its thoughts on where, when and how to make mischief this weekend at the ICFF—if by "at the ICFF" we mean anywhere and everywhere except for the laminate-filled labyrinth of lament that is Hall 1 of the Jacob Javits Convention Center.

FRIDAY, MAY 13, 2005

Malfatto: Imperfect Design for a Better World?

Time: 9am-6pm
Place: Tishman Auditorium, 66 West 12th Street
Sponsor: Material ConneXion
Conversation Starter: "It's alive!"
Karim Rashid Sighting Probability: Low

Run don't ooze to this symposium underway right now that features Gaetano Pesce and other promoters of misshapen trucs getting a good grilling from design world omnivore Phil Patton. No bar, but tix are only $200.

Gaia & Gino: Turkishscapes with Karim Rashid Preview

Time: 4-6pm
Place: Max Mara Soho, 450 West Broadway
Sponsor: Gaia & Gino
CS: "What does 'private reception' mean?"
KRSP: Full on, resplendent in white

Get a jump on completing your Karim life list with this afternoon delight. Find out what a "Turkishscape" is, care not at all. Apparently efforts are being made to keep out the riff-raff, dear Reader, but that should not concern you. Call 847-234-5334 and tell Kathleen you're working on a 10,000 word feature for The Gutter.

Starck: The Transformation of the Bathroom

Time: 6-8pm
Place: 22 West 21st Street
Sponsor: AFNY
CS: "Isn't this awfully daring for a man of his habits?"
KRSP: Zero. Guest of honor still smarting from that whole "eclipse" thing.

Another dry (in the Wellesley or Chilmark sense) symposium, but this one promises to make clear "Philippe Starck’s impact on modern bathing." Talk about low-hanging fruit.

The Conran Party

Time: 6:30-9pm
Place: The Conran Shop, One Bridgebasement Place
Sponsor: Sir Terence
CS: "You know they took guano out of this place by the ton."
KRSP: High. Plenty of time to make his Turkish escape and get uptown.

Certainly the hot event this evening, one The Gutter, in all our collective glory, will not be missing. Party in a store. Crazy! Might just be the edgiest night since we ventured to Brooklyn to break in the linoleum at Target.

SATURDAY, MAY 14, 2005

Orange Alert NY

Time: 5-7pm
Place: Drive In Studios, 443 W. 18th Street
Sponsor: The Good People of the Netherlands
CS: "Orange Alert! I get it!"
KRSP: Fuck if we care. Drinks really flow.

Part of a year-long promotion of young Dutch talent, these parties seem to swing around every other week. Not complaining: we have fond memories of the last. Which we plan to completely expunge with gin and maidens at this one.

Fertile Garden & Domestic Violence

Time: 6:30-9pm
Place: Moss
Sponsor: Moss
CS: "Is that Mayer Rus fondling the 'Heaven-6th' ring?"
KRSP: 100%. Murray will not let his good taste interfere with business.

By invitation only. Like for real. Push your nose up against the glass. We'll nod at you and move on.

Bside 2005—The Back Lot Opening Night Party

Time: 6pm-2am
Place: Crudo Bar, 54 Clinton Street
Sponsor: Unknown
CS: "Come, let me show you THOR."
KRSP: Less than zero.

We don't know what this is. But they've got the time and the neighborhood right. So God bless.

ICFF Opening Night Party

Time: 7–9 pm
Place: The Abby Aldrich Rockefeller Sculpture Garden
Sponsor: Assorted mavens and marketers
CS: "Metropolis sure throws a wicked party!"
KRSP: Oh god yes. And everyone fucking else too.

Traditionally a bruising clusterfuck, this year's party promises to be a bruising clusterfuck making its triumphant return to the backyard at MoMA. Expect many, many worker bees and flackettes enjoying their evening out at corporate expense, not yet realizing how miserably it will all end, down on the LES, lost and not quite lonely enough, at dawn.

Atelier van Lieshout

Time: 8-11pm
Place: DWR, 142 Wooster Street
Sponsor: Heineken and Skyy Vodka!
CS: "I heard he designed an ICBM once..."
KRSP: Yeah, probably. Fuck.

The Gutter loves Joep van Lieshout and hereby declares that we will find everything he ever does to be an expression of pure, painful genius. And he parties like a pro. Bad venue, but we might spin by to lure this titanic talent elsewhere.

We could go on. There are a hundred other parties—you should not have to pay for a drink in this town through Tuesday—but we've flacked enough, our many hands are tired, our nine eyes are redder than a Ligne Roset modular, and we're late to get our $200 worth of wisdom from Gaetano. Ciao.

Posted in Gotham