The Gutter: Reed Kroloff is Black!

Reed Kroloff is Black!
Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Did someone say wow? We did! And we're not alone. In what was certainly an attempt (marginally successful) to be edgy and provocative, Tulane dean and martyr-of-convenience Reed Kroloff has interrupted his work saving New Orleans through fancypants architecture to pen a totally insane personal essay in Metropolis. He's black—has been ever since the levees fell—and that means, in the words that will haunt him forever, "having a more nuanced worldview and a keener understanding of human nature."

Huh? It gets worse:

You're probably thinking that Reed Kroloff doesn't sound like a black name. And for those of you who used to see my picture in Architecture magazine once a month, you might swear you remembered me as a white guy. You're right: I was a white guy, and that was fine with me. I probably would have gone on happily being a white guy my whole life and never thought much of it.
Then Katrina hit and everything changed.

That's when "I noticed I had become black." Not parody! But that, apparently, is coming. We found this much-forwarded response in our inbox this morning:

Oh my God! Oh my God! I can't breathe. What in the fuck was Metropolis thinking. Get Jesse Jackson on the phone! Sharpton! I am walking my outrage over to the GUTTER. "Black Like Me"?!? I really can't breathe. Oh my God! Just when you think that pompous little prick can't get anymore full of shit, he goes and does something like this.
Give me one hour and and there will be a parody on Gutter so withering, he'll have to move to some African nation where he'll blend in. I'm going to call it, "Self-Loathing Jewish Faggot Like Me."

Truly, I am choking back tears at this very moment. How dare he!

We're waiting....

· Black Like Me [Metropolis]
· Apres Kroloff, la Dissing [The Gutter]
· Apres Katrina, la Kroloff [The Gutter]

Posted in Simply Sublime

Reader Comments (38 extant)

"I've been black........."
Reed's confusing his bedroom roleplay with reality.

By Junk In The Trunk at March 22, 2006 1:51 PM

THE MAN has been holding Reed down.
And he kinda likes it.
OH SNAP!

By Honky at March 22, 2006 2:14 PM

Are people not talking to Reed because he's "black," or because of what he's been saying? Until now, he's been step above a snake oil salesman.

By sad at March 22, 2006 3:11 PM

douchebag!

By Anonymous at March 22, 2006 3:20 PM

wow

small flightless farm-bred quail and mummified lawyers are celebrating

there's a new target in town

By the admonisher at March 22, 2006 3:23 PM

I hope the sniper doesn't mind if I take his comments seriously, because NOLA's a serious problem. It seems like he's speaking sincerely and from his heart ... but is he? Or will Kroloff just say whatever he thinks will work? That is the position of a lot of relativists in academia.

If Reed is so concerned about nothing being done in his city, why is he SO brutal towards the New Urbanists, doing his best to keep them out? Only the ideologically pure may apply? Does he think he and his Dutch brothers have to design everything in the city?

If Reed is now a black New Orleanian, why are his first impulses to run off to 1) Holland, 2) ArtForum, 3) Princeton and 4) Metropolis? Is there any place that's much less Afro-American than Rotterdam?

If Reed is now a black New Orleanian, what has he done to help his brothers?

Or is it just that now that Kroloff has strayed outside the academic and literary compound he has found out for the first time how little most of the country wants his ideas?

By ??? at March 22, 2006 4:23 PM

The deleterious effects of racism rarely are as poignant as the day they are discovered by a white person.

By miss representation at March 22, 2006 10:32 PM

JargonWatch!! The person above said "effects…"

By philip johnson at March 22, 2006 11:17 PM

Kroloff's piece is so offensive on so many different levels that it is almost impossible to respond.

In fact, why bother putting forth any intellectual effort whatsoever to do so???

By Anonymous at March 23, 2006 8:56 AM

10.

Commenter #9 is so offended by Kroloff's piece in Metropolis that he/she can't come up with any specific example of what's offensive, yet somehow completely overlooks The Gutter's incredibly offensive, nasty long-running homophobia, as exemplified in its use of the word "Faggot" in the proposed title of the upcoming parody. In Kroloff's case, this homophobia mixes freely with anti-semitism and anti-short-person bias. Is South Park's Cartman the Gutter's creator?

I too don't get Kroloff's hostility to New Urbanism, especially as regards rebuilding New Orleans. But that's not the subject of the Metropolis piece. The subject is the marginalization of a people (New Orleanians) by socio-political forces.

Perhaps if you hate Kroloff (either as an individual, or because you hate all gay people, Jews, short people, etc as a matter of course) you can't see that it's a rather clever piece. It makes the point in a way that no one previously has--a way that makes you remember the point, vivdly--, while simultaneously noting the irony that so much of N.O.'s actual African-American population is still dispersed.

Sorry, scared straight boys and neo-nazis, that's called good writing.

By Constance Craving at March 23, 2006 10:57 AM

11.

Um, I didn't get the JargonMemo. Too much on my plate. If we could take this off-line, perhaps you could bring me up to speed on the JargonList.

Or you could go back to pretending that gossip about Zaha is interesting.

By miss representation at March 23, 2006 1:26 PM

12.

Loved the article, I really felt bad...for about 5 minutes. Then I snapped back to my own fabulous life here in the city. Dinner and drinks tonight at this great new place over in the village. Maybe I will see you there?

By Anonymous at March 23, 2006 5:11 PM

13.

I miss you. I love you. God bless you.

By joshi hawlader at March 26, 2006 3:31 PM

14.

hey reed man:Give us the lowdown on Zaha's gossip. Trade some of mine for some of hers. Cool.

By blank canvas on ice at April 2, 2006 2:24 PM

15.

Thank you, OTP. That was marvelous.

By The Guttersniper at April 5, 2006 11:04 AM

16.

Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

By Sleepy Head at May 31, 2006 11:39 AM

17.

Why isn' it a good idea to sleep with anyone crazier than myself.Who is crazier than myself and what's this junk in the trunk all about?

By Sleeping at June 16, 2006 1:21 AM

18.

Thanks alot, man.

By life, light, love, laws at July 2, 2006 12:18 AM

19.

Hey Reed: Isn't this you bedroom page cool check this out. You've read it before but here it is again,

The Bra is a Temple/Sanctuary
Um wait I write this later but the rest of these titles could be featured in Metropplis Magazine. I think it would be great. Here check it out.

The Bra that Giggles

The Aluminium Bra for the Austin Powers Woman: That's right, ALuminium was not meant for siding only it has other uses.

The steel bra for the Warrior Woman.

And the
Bra is architectural :y'all.

Reed: this would be a fabulous architectural feature is any top notch magazine. Let me know which one it's going to be featured in. I'm so excited. How much am I going to get paid?

By Metropolis Magazine Feature at July 9, 2006 12:49 PM

20.

Hey Reed: Back to your bedroom page. I have a slight bedroom problem. See remember my friend Gary well he's a really good friend and he has a lot of great qualities as a guy and everything but today he has confessed that he wants to fuck me. So now I'm in a bit of a situation. Here's why-I agreed just because I didn't want to make him feel bad. So now he's on a 8 week get rid of my belly program and here I am clueless as I don't know what am I going to do. Well I think I'm going to go find Juan, the Argentinian on Tuesday instaed of Thursday. Please Juan be in School on Tuesday. I'm coming to find you. Help.

By Help! Stuff in my trunk part 2 at July 9, 2006 6:27 PM

21.

Reed I have to tell you something in full honesty. Today was a wierd day so try to help me figure this one out.I rarely dream so early this morning I had a flash dream. I dreamt that I had sex with a guy. He was big like Gary but the face was not Gary's. Anyway, the sex was awkward. I didn't get it. So this was my dream this morning. It just so happens that today Gary confessed his attachment to me. I have to say I'm a little bit attched to him too and so when he told me how fuckable I was and how spititual, secure, beautiful, sexy, intelligent and sexy I was-I was totally digging it because no guy has told me all these nice things to me ever. But here's the thing I just can't get the way Juan "looked at me" that day I walked into Andrews class. It haunts me.And for some strange reason, I pledged my loyalty to him in a strange kind of way. It's like even if I like or am attracted or attached to someone I will not cross that line between "friendship" and sexual intimacy. It takes a lot of control. But I till now have had that control. Like we discussed in our conversation, sexual intimacy with a person brings on their energy and I belive a little of their spirit and karma seeps into your body, spirit and mind too.Here's the wierd part. Gary in the car kept asking me what the "the smoke on the bridge" meant. He was persistent-I had no answer. Later today when I got back home, I found myself to be a little bit unmindful. The smell of smoke filled the whole house. When I went downstairs, I realized I had forgotten to turn the stove of. I was sterilizing one of the children's bottles. So what I was left with was melted plastic stuck onto a pan. The melted plastic and pan had to be trashed. There goes one of my good pans. What was the smoke on the bridge. I didn't smoke on the bridge today and why was my house filled with smoke today. To me it just sounds like things are getting a little dangerous. I can't be this unmindful- I have little ones to take care of.What do you make out of all this?

By This better be a I rock and Peter is awesome situation because is Larry's tricky baby I mean Gary' s at July 9, 2006 11:17 PM

22.

I'm never ever going to the crazy wisdom tearoom again ever. Big mistake.

By I'll be so mad if I hit a deer, again. at July 18, 2006 12:13 AM

23.

I guess it's back to the crazy wisdom again

By Um, Well at August 19, 2006 4:46 PM

24.

Juan better email me back. This is getting quite ridiculous. So how often do you fly back and forth you crazy idiot.

By review my god damn portfolio will you at September 3, 2006 3:19 PM

25.

cheerleaders pissing their panties pissing clip